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Ciel/OOC - Question Meme!/c000120

From X-Factor

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You've talked a little about this in the past, but how did his leaving her in India affect her?

Pretty much broke her in half. India was a wild, last-ditch effort to feel like she was still relevant, and her powers were still relevant, and she could do something. But it turned out that the things you do as a merc don't matter, except when they matter in a really bad way. Ciel had a very love/hate relationship with her job in India. She got this wild thrill from the action, and from being good at the action, and from working in a team that she knew and valued and who knew and valued her. Rohan was, near the end, the epitome of this. He knew what she could do, he trusted her, she trusted him. They'd saved each others' lives a few times. They had that foxhole bond.

So when he broke that, she lost that last little bit of glue that was holding things together. When that trust was broken, it became impossible to ignore all the other dirty things she didn't want to face. That they weren't really a team. That she wasn't doing good - and may be doing bad. That nothing she was doing mattered except to people making money. That the thrill wasn't enough anymore. He was her last lifeline, and vanishing sent her reeling. It wasn't even about the breaking of their relationship so much as it was about this last thing that made it impossible for her to pretend that this was anything like X-Force, that anything could be like X-Force, that she was doing something acceptable with her life. She spent three months trying to convince herself otherwise, but even if he'd come back, I'm not sure it would have worked. It'd already been broken, and I think she knew that she had to make a change.

And, to flash forward, how is she feeling about him now? He's been trying--admittedly clumsily and a bit inconsistently--to establish some sort of friendship going forward; does she hoping for the same or would rather he just disappeared?

She's feeling mostly okay. Better now that he's not trying to convince her she's his one true love. In many ways, I think her dating Kade was the best thing that could have happened to their relationship, because for a while he was honestly not just pissig her off, but freaking her out. His intensity was dialed up to 11, and he seemed unable to take a step back from that. Kade sort of forced that step back, and the breathing room it's given her has helped her remember that she did actually enjoy his company at one point.

I mean, it's still sort of complicated. There are still things that make her really, really angry. I don't know what she'd choose if she had two doors, one labeled 'friendship' and one labeled 'disappeared entirely'. But I do know that since he is here and is entwined in her life and her work and her friends, she'd rather be on friendly terms than not. She finds it hard to legitimately hate Rohan, even if she sometimes thinks she should. And she's coming to understand that his life was not as simple as he made it seem, just as hers wasn't, and that some parts sucked, and she feels sorry for him. She at least always had a place to run back to, a home that would take her. She's aware that she's lucky for that.

So. She's feeling mostly okay. For the moment.

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