It's almost summer! You know what summer means? Apparently, it means a couple of new contracts. Take a look at our jobs list, because it's expanding into several regular gigs.
1.) Process! Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen, because pursuant to this contract I got with Stagram & Wolf in Manhattan, I've gotten us a bonded license as process servers. We're now on retainer to be available to serve process all over the tristate area within 6 hours of documents dropped in our hot little hands. I've also negotiated us a sweet bonus provision if they need us to go outside of the tristate area. These will come in fast and need to be handled very quickly, so those of you who sign up for this duty I'm basically going to put on hourly in the office. There may be some hurry up and wait.
2.) Neighborhood watch. About 10 different local businesses -- some of which we've worked with before -- have come together as a group and asked us to perform neighborhood watch services to keep the streets of Mutant Town safe, especially between the hours of 9 PM and 2 AM. I'm really tempted to go out and buy, like ... old school cop batons. What are they called? Oh yeah, truncheons. I think those are legal.
3.) Mutant escort. OK, this isn't a regular gig, but I did put a link on our website so that people can text us for an escort ? mutants who need to get home in the City can ping us to be walked home. This is like good samaritan shit I know. Bear with me. I'm a good guy. I'll make sure you get paid for it.
4.) Still doing security at Open Hands. I'm sure I don't need to tell you guys what they need from us here.
5.) The Etzinkoder family seems convinced that their missing person (16 year old runaway Malek Etzinkoder) has taken to living in the sewers, but the police haven't been able to locate him. Track him down, see if we can convince him to come home, and if not, find him another safe place to be. Not sure what the mutation is. That is, the family isn't even sure, but they think it's something.
6.) Malia Darzi is convinced that her wife is cheating on her with a woman who isn't there. She's willing to pay a lot of money to know the truth. This is probably a divorce issue.
7.) I got a call from one of the night workers at the Museum of Natural History -- no shit -- and there's like three security guards there who want to pay us to make sure that none of the fossilized exhibits are actually being animated and going to destroy anybody. I told them it's months til October and the guy on the phone was, I quote you: "No shit."
8.) My landlord -- well, a lot of our landlord?? -- needs us to clear all of the stuff out of an evictee's apartment and into a storage unit with no damage to any of the items. On the plus side, we're also going to get first dibs on the apartment. It's one of the upstairs units and it's got two bedrooms, an extra deep bathtub (plus), and a kitchen you could probably thread a needle with (minus). If none of you want it let me know because I seriously need a new apartment. P.S. does anybody want a roommate? Okay this is an inappropriate use of my access to this mailer so sue me.
9.) DOGS. There has been a plague of loose stray dogs in Brooklyn since last week. I don't know why, but Amy Verde with animal control would like us to help deal with it, preferably in a way that does not involve dogs having to be put down.